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While there are no "Claimers" or "Re-claimers" or"Un-claimers" here, we certainly have "Dizclaimers!" Born of a basic, instinctual inability to accept responsibility for anything (especially since that little episode outside the Institution some years back – uncle Terrance is just about to get his licence back!), legal has just this one, eensy, teensy request: post a Disclaimer Document, relieving me (read: them) of any and all liability etc., etc. Until the status of our jurisprudence has been elevated beyond the current norm of litigious psychosis, or until the end of life on the planet — whichever comes first — this is my disclaimer... and I'm sticking to it!
So, pay close attention, sit up straight, feet flat on the floor, and let there be no mistake:
WRITTEN BY THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART, IN ACCORDANCE WITH AND PECULIAR TO, THE PARTY OF THE THIRD PART, ACTING AS PROXY FOR THE PARTY OF THE SECOND PART BECAUSE OF CONFLICT OF INTEREST INSOFAR AS THE PARTY OF THE FIFTH PART IS IN CONJUGAL RELATIONS WITH THE SPOUSE OF THE PARTY OF THE FOURTH PART WHO IS RETAINED FORTHWITH BY THE PARTY OF THE SIXTH PART AND WHO NOW RESIDES ON A POULTRY PARTS RANCH IN NORTHWESTERN ARKANSAS WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED UNCLE OF THE PARTY OF THE FIRST, THIRD AND SIXTH PARTS. LET IT BE KNOWN:
USE ONLY AS DIRECTED. NO OTHER WARRANTY EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED. DO NOT USE WHILE OPERATING A MOTOR VEHICLE OR HEAVY EQUIPMENT. POSTAGE WILL BE PAID BY ADDRESSEE. SUBJECT TO CAB APPROVAL. THIS IS NOT AN OFFER TO SELL SECURITIES. APPLY ONLY TO AFFECTED AREA. THIS PRODUCT IS MEANT FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED. LIST EACH CHECK SEPARATELY BY BANK NUMBER. BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. CONTENTS MAY SETTLE DURING SHIPMENT. MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR SOME VIEWERS. DO NOT STAMP. USE OTHER SIDE FOR ADDITIONAL LISTINGS. FOR RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. EACH MEMBER OF THE SETTLEMENT CLASS WILL RECEIVE A CONTROL NUMBER WHICH MUST BE USED ON ALL CORRESPONDENCE. DO NOT DISTURB. ALL MODELS OVER 18 YEARS OF AGE. IF CONDITION PERSISTS, CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN. NO USER-SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE. FRESHEST IF EATEN BEFORE DATE ON CARTON. DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH. SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE. TIMES APPROXIMATE. SIMULATED PICTURE. NO POSTAGE NECESSARY IF MAILED IN THE UNITED STATES. PLEASE REMAIN SEATED UNTIL THE RIDE HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. BREAKING SEAL CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF AGREEMENT. FOR OFF-ROAD USE ONLY. AS SEEN ON TV. ONE SIZE FITS ALL. MANY SUITCASES LOOK ALIKE. CONTAINS A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF NON-TOBACCO INGREDIENTS. COLORS MAY FADE. WE HAVE SENT THE FORMS WHICH SEEM APPROPRIATE FOR YOU. SLIPPERY WHEN WET. FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY. NOT AFFILIATED WITH THE AMERICAN RED CROSS OR THE UNITED WAY. DROP IN ANY MAILBOX. EDITED FOR TELEVISION. KEEP COOL; PROCESS PROMPTLY. POST OFFICE WILL NOT DELIVER WITHOUT POSTAGE. LIST WAS CURRENT AT TIME OF PRINTING. RETURN TO SENDER, NO FORWARDING ORDER ON FILE, UNABLE TO FORWARD. NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES RESULTING FROM ANY DEFECT, ERROR OR FAILURE TO PERFORM. AT PARTICIPATING LOCATIONS ONLY. NOT THE BEATLES. PENALTY FOR PRIVATE USE. SEE LABEL FOR SEQUENCE. SUBSTANTIAL PENALTY FOR EARLY WITHDRAWAL. DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE. FALLING ROCK. LOST TICKET PAYS MAXIMUM RATE. YOUR CANCELED CHECK IS YOUR RECEIPT. ADD TONER. PLACE STAMP HERE. AVOID CONTACT WITH SKIN. SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION. BE SURE EACH ITEM IS PROPERLY ENDORSED. SIGN HERE WITHOUT ADMITTING GUILT. SLIGHTLY HIGHER EAST OF THE MISSISSIPPI. EMPLOYEES AND THEIR FAMILIES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE. BEWARE OF DOG. CONTESTANTS HAVE BEEN BRIEFED ON SOME QUESTIONS BEFORE THE SHOW. LIMITED TIME OFFER, CALL NOW TO ENSURE PROMPT DELIVERY. YOU MUST BE PRESENT TO WIN. THE STIPULATION OF SETTLEMENT, RELEASE AND OTHER DOCUMENTS CONCERNING THE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AND SETTLEMENT ARE AVAILABLE FOR INSPECTION DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS. NO PASSES ACCEPTED FOR THIS ENGAGEMENT. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. PROCESSED AT LOCATION STAMPED IN CODE AT TOP OF CARTON. SHADING WITHIN A GARMENT MAY OCCUR. USE ONLY IN A WELL-VENTILATED AREA. KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE OR FLAMES. REPLACE WITH SAME TYPE. APPROVED FOR VETERANS. BOOTHS FOR TWO OR MORE. CHECK HERE IF TAX DEDUCTIBLE. SOME EQUIPMENT SHOWN IS OPTIONAL. PRICE DOES NOT INCLUDE TAXES. NO CANADIAN COINS. NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN. PRERECORDED FOR THIS TIME ZONE. REPRODUCTION STRICTLY PROHIBITED. NO SOLICITORS. NO ALCOHOL, DOGS OR HORSES. NO ANCHOVIES UNLESS OTHERWISE SPECIFIED. ALL NOTICES OF RESCISSION OR OTHER CORRESPONDENCE REGARDING REFUNDS, CANCELLATIONS OR RESCISSIONS MUST INCLUDE THE CONTROL NUMBER (SEE ABOVE). NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE. RESTAURANT PACKAGE, NOT FOR RESALE. LIST AT LEAST TWO ALTERNATE DATES. FIRST PULL UP, THEN PULL DOWN. CALL TOLL FREE NUMBER BEFORE DIGGING. SOME OF THE TRADEMARKS MENTIONED IN THIS PRODUCT APPEAR FOR IDENTIFICATION PURPOSES ONLY. OBJECTS IN MIRROR MAY BE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. RECORD ADDITIONAL TRANSACTIONS ON BACK OF PREVIOUS STUB. UNIX IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF AT&T. DO NOT FOLD, SPINDLE OR MUTILATE. NO TRANSFERS ISSUED UNTIL THE BUS COMES TO A COMPLETE STOP. PACKAGE SOLD BY WEIGHT, NOT VOLUME. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY. FEDERAL LAW PROHIBITS THE TRANSFER OF THIS MEDICATION TO ANY PERSON OTHER THAN FOR WHOM IT WAS PRESCRIBED. DO NOT INGEST. IF INGESTED, CALL A PHYSICIAN AND DRINK A TEASPOONFUL OR MORE OF MILK OF MAGNESIA, CHALK OR SMALL PIECES OF SOAP SOFTENED IN WATER, MILK OR RAW EGG WHITE. LOW RISK OF SEXUAL SIDE-EFFECTS. IF, IN THE RARE CASE, AN ERECTION LASTS FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS, CONATCT YOUR PHYSICIAN.
THIS SUPERSEDES ALL PREVIOUS NOTICES. THIS HAS BEEN A TEST. IF THIS HAD BEEN A REAL EMERGENCY, YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED INSTRUCTIONS REGARDING WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DEPOSIT SURGICAL WASTE IN THE APPROPRIATE RECEPTACLE.
VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. NOT LEGAL TENDER. PRECLUDES, INCLUDES AND OCCLUDES ANY AND ALL IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE OR MERCHANTABILITY
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